第5話 August, 1984 -- Chapter 5 --
Takano-san left Sakura for his hotel -Ermita Apartment Inn- a little after midnight.
I did not insist too many times that he should take a taxi on the way back since the hotel was in fact in a walking distance from the saloon and he strongly asserted he would be all right.
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“You’re feeling ill, aren’t you, Trina?" Lisa asked me in Tagalog. We were in a small back room of Sakura, taking off our make-ups. “I’m sorry to say this, but you look awful now. ..Naturally, you must be so exhausted, Trina."
“Yes, I am, Lisa." I was gazing at my own dreadful face in a round mirror hung on the wall. And my face had very dark shadows under the eyes.
“Well, you haven’t had this night job for nearly two years." Lisa almost sighed.
“Long, long two years." I murmured.
“But," said Lisa, “is that the only reas why you got so exhausted tonight?"
“I’ve been having little sleep these days."
“That’s why. ..Have you heard anything from your boyfriend lately?"
Lisa did not use his name, Akira. She had never used his name ever since she had come to know of his persistent demand for my decision to get an abortion.
“Nothing from him." I answered. “I’ve called him many times, but all I’ve gotten so far have been his answering machine."
“Of course, you leave your message, don’t you?"
“Yes, I do. But I’ve received no reply at all. ..I hear his telephone start ringing. Lisa, can you imagine how I feel at such a moment?"
Lisa nodded deeply. “Yes, I can." Her voice contained true, thoughtful sympathy for me.
“After a few seconds," continued I, “I hear his voice. ..His recorded voice. I can’t talk with him while his voice is there."
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Tears stated dropping down on my cheeks.
“Sometimes I clearly feel he is there, right by the answering machine, listening to my voice. ..So feel I. I shout in my mind, ‘Please, for God’s sake, pick up the handset. But he’s never done so."
“Have you tried to call him up at every possible hour, Trina? I mean, at the very early morning, for example, when he is supposed to be at home?"
“I know I must sound foolish if I say this, Lisa. But I’ve made a decision not to call him at such hours in which he may possibly be asleep. I’ve been avoiding those hours either too early or too late for the day."
“I never think that foolish, Trina. However, you do need to talk with him, don’t you? By any means?"
“Yes, I have to, Lisa. Nevertheless, I also can’t wake him up by my phone call. I can’t disturb his sleep. ..He was so sweet always when I was with him in Tokyo. ..Except when he wasn’t completely awaken yet. I know very well that he always has a trouble in waking up in a good humor."
“Trina, I like the way you think about things. And I don’t want to hurt your feeling. But, let me tell you this: Don’t be too romantic. Don’t you think it’s already clear that his mind is somewhere else now? You should know that better, not only for yourself but for Yuki. Don’t you think it’s time for you to fight him?"
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Lisa and I were all alone in the small backroom.
All noises we were hearing in the building were the occasional laughter of the karaoke girls, descending from Sakura’s dormitory upstairs where I was supposed to lay down my own exhausted body later on.
“Lisa, the reason I said that..," murmured I, “was not because I think about this whole thing too romantically but because I don’t want to be looked down on by Akira, perhaps. ..Because I’ve started suspecting I might no longer be able to stand such temper of his, I might be unable to calmly give my ear to his ticking off on me any more, or I might worth better than such possible treatment by him."
My fatigue was getting deeper while I was talking.
“Of course, Trina. You worth better than that." Lisa vouched for me.
“I can’t afford to lose my own temper by giving him the reason to get in an ill humor, can I? I can’t step over the limit of my own forbearance, can I? What’ll happen to Yuki if I lose my self-control? I can’t put Yuki in such a. sorry situation. I can’t lose another father for my daughter when Theresa has already lost her father."
“That’s right. But..." Lisa stopped there. She might have recalled, I guessed, the evening more than two years before when Cesar all of a sudden had started insisting that he had wanted Theresa under his custody. ..The long, awful evening when the meeting Lisa had arranged for Cesar and me to reconcile had turned into the ugliest argument we had ever had.
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“I can’t let such a thing happen twice in my life, Lisa." My voice must have been so low as to reach her ears barely. “So, I’m going to be as sweet to Akira as I can so that he shall turn his affectionate eyes to his own daughter, Yuki. If I lose him now, how can I apologize to Yuki in the future? No matter how outrageous he is now, I believe he someday will... I think, Lisa, I’m fighting as hard as I can."
“Yes, you’re fighting." Lisa responded. “But, to my eyes, you look fighting yourself, not him. Look, Trina, what did you say he had written in his last letter? Wasn’t it that he had been too busy with his work to think about this matter? Don’t you think you shouldn’t lay yourself open to his absurd excuse like that? ..You have to be stronger, Trina."
“Stop there, Lisa, please," begged I. In fact, I myself already had a suspicion in my mind if I had spent too long a time just enduring all those things. Nevertheless, I was not all pessimistic yet. I had not given up a thought that if I once got back to Japan and talked with Akira face to face, there might still be a chance I could turn all things better for Yuki. ..I wanted to believe that such a chance would still be there.
Lisa nodded to me calmly and said. “I’m sorry, Trina. I may have said something I shouldn’t have."
“No, you didn’t, Lisa. I really appreciate your limitless kindness to me. But, please, give me some more time now. I promise you, I’ll solve this problem very well for Yuki’s sake."
I declared so to her, knowing that, within my sight, I had completely no measures to solve it, in fact.
